Team Australia

Daniel Krochmalik aka ‘Megaphone’ (19 years old); a handy tool for a law student. Don't buy this guy a drink if you want to keep your eardrums intact.

Michael Wilkinson (25). Michael takes a perverse delight in acquiring a large number of IMPs in the Out column. He is also the only person I know who has revoked then blamed his partner for the error.

Joshua Wyner (26). Josh may be the only youth player to get 11 hours sleep a night and also to spend two hours in the bathroom every morning.

David Wiltshire (25). Dave is the comfortable leader of the Australian butchery tally, the upside of which from the long-suffering captain’s perspective being that he is therefore contributing handsomely to the team drinking fund.

Mark Abraham (26). Mark is the only person who has ever managed to survive playing with Michael for over 7000 boards ( a record which is unlikely ever to be broken). He is easily the slowest player in the team but makes up for this by being the fastest talker, making him completely incomprehensible to all but his closest acquaintances.

Gabby Feiler (20). Gabby is the youth player to go to if you need drugs. He is studying medicine and plans to go into heroine research.

Ishmael Del’Monte, NPC (30 but claims to be 18). Ish is the captain who goes to see Gabby on a regular basis. Which is fair enough, as anyone would have to be on drugs to captain this team of !”£$%^&*!.

(The only good news I can see for Ish is that four of this team will be overage next time around, and surely this cannot be a case of ‘better the devil you know...’ Ed.)